Tales From the Crypt: Bordello of Blood - [No Tickets]

The Tales From the Crypt in the title should have been a warning. But no, I countered, sometimes the HBO series turns out comic gems, and this one even has Dennis Miller… what could go wrong? Bordello of Blood could. It starts out with the discovery of Lilith, the mother of all vampires (Angie Everhart), in a remote South American jungle. Soon afterward, the vampire queen sets herself up as madam in a Los Angeles mortuary-turned-brothel. Dennis Miller plays private investigator Rafe Guttman, hired by evangelical assistant Katherine Verdoux (Erika Eleniak) to locate her missing ne’er-do-well brother, Caleb (Corey Feldman…that should have been another sign right there). Of course, the trail leads Mr. Guttman to the door of Lilith’s mortuary almost immediately, but the film manages to protract its conclusion for another hour, culminescing in an orgy of blood, fire and exploding vampires that seem like mild outtakes from From Dusk Til Dawn. Dennis Miller does his best to lift this movie at least to the level, but his riffs on everything from vampires to televangelism seem like rejects from his trademark Rants. Add to that plenty of bad acting, a threadbare recycled plot that takes itself a bit too seriously at times, and glaringly bad cameos from The Crypt Keeper (naturally) and a certain celebrity who should be ashamed of herself, and you’ve got one awful film. Even if “Vampire Brothel” looks good to you in writing, stay away from this flick.